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My Thoughts: 5 Years after prison… October 30, 2009

Posted by bamafanonly in hope.
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…….:…. –
I have great regrets that I have turned into blessings and the people who truly love me always pushed me to keep going, ….
-I found out that my greatest triumps came from my darkest times…
-I have learned that you don’t have to be ashamed of your past, only be ashamed if you don’t make the future better…
-I learned that while I was holding my head down, a very important person told me ‘thank you’ for trying so hard and I finally raised my head.
-I have learned that you only make it your own personal hell if you don’t let your true friends give you the boost to help raise you up..
-I know God knows when you can’t take anymore…he showed me personally that he took me down a path to bring me back to him..
-I learned that just because you have to let something very dear to you go, it doesn’t mean you can’t get it back…
-I have learned that some people do know the real truth, and tell you ‘thank you’ when the time is right…and when it’s most needed..
-I have learned that the person who hurts you the deepest may not have to answer to it, but, even after they have passed away, the truth comes out. It’s just too bad they couldn’t make it right when they were alive because it would have been nice to get clarification.
-I truly believe if you set out to hurt someone intentially, it always comes back on you. But, if you unintentially hurt someone, forgiveness comes…sometimes slowly….but, it comes..
-I have learned that some of the most magnificant people in this world are incarcerated..
-I have come to learn that if we embrace each others differences, skin color, personalities….., we can only grow and learn and be kind and get that plus a whole more in return…
-I realize that the people, other than my immediate family, who have helped me through my hardest times, actually aren’t the same skin color or background as mine is…
-I’m pretty sure that my smile makes others smile…
-I know that a child’s love is forever if he feels secure…no matter how much of their life you missed…
-I have learned and come to understand that not all people know how to love without strings attached… –
I have come to realize that even if someone that says they love you,but hurt you deeply, you don’t have to go around proving anything to them….
-I also know that if you tell someone something in confidence while you are friends, you should never use what you know against that person if you have a ‘falling out’ with them….that is a weekness in your moral character…
-I guess not all people can forgive, even if the forgiveness is earned…yet, these are the exact people who think they can just treat you any ole’ way and get your forgiveness every time…well…if you can’t forgive me, but, you want something from me, you won’t get it UNTIL YOU EARN IT!!
-When I say I’m thru…I’m thru!!
-I know you don’t have to have evil people, who are ready and waiting to see you fail in your life, no matter how much it hurts or confuses you…prove yourself to the people who understand your faults and help you get back up and do 2 or 3 times better the next time….this is unconditional love….I think some people have never looked up UNCONDITIONAL in the dictionary…
-I have learned that things don’t always turn out the way you think they will….
-I have come to understand that some people will talk about your faults when they have the exact same shortcomings…I guess it’s only your faults they can see because they don’t look into a mirror and see their own faults….
-I know that I will not put up with, or have in my life, any child, or teenager that talks to me or treats me with disrespect, …I may not have made the best choices in life, but, I’ve worked too hard to let ANYONE treat me any other way.
-I have learned that just because my biological parents gave me life, doesn’t make them my parents. My parents are a biological dad and an angel named BEVERLY.
-I need to never forget that I can’t change what is….some things and people are just too far gone or brainwashed to see the real truth. I call that weekness,,,
-I hope and pray that the line of women on my biological side eventually will raise their own daughters, not scheme for a ‘2nd chance’….what a great thing they have passed on to me…I don’t want a second chance to do that with my grandchildren……it’s my children’s place to raise their own children….if my child isn’t doing things the way they should be done, I will guide them, not sabatoge her….or try to turn their child against them….I will do everything possible to grow their relationship….that is a real mother’s love…..
-I have learned that while you are doing something nice or loving for someone, they will take whatever you are giving, and they know the whole time that when you get home and check the mail they have sent you a court order to be sued…..now that is love!! They think they have made a fool of you, but, they don’t know that only makes you stronger……’cause you know better next time!!!
-I have learned that that most people are going to try to ruin your good day because they can’t stand to wake up and face their day knowing yours is good..
-I have learned that keeping something close to you that you love is sometimes the most hurtful…
I have learned that you can overcome the hardest things in life in the most unexpected places…
-I have learned that sometimes you are just going to be the target…no matter what you do, it just isn’t going to be right..
-I have learned that if you are always blaming the past,..how are you looking foward…??
-I have learned that my son’s smile can turn a terrible day into a great day…and that he is the apple of Beverly’s eyes….
-I have a great husband and son and just do the best I can do as a working mom and wife. Busy days, but very rewarding….. -I pray to God everyday that I live a better day today than I did the day before…

More thoughts to come soon…

Pregnant in Prison…THERE IS HOPE!!! July 17, 2009

Posted by bamafanonly in advise, hindsight, blessings, struggling, addiction, prison programs, education, hope, Justice system, LIFE LESSONS, Life Lessons, Pregnant in Prison, prejudice, prison, second chances, shackling, Statistics, Uncategorized, women in prison.
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Just wanted to share a brief piece:
10 years ago I was 6 weeks pregnant and sentenced to 150 months (12 1/2 years) in Federal Prison on a Drug Conspiracy charge. I was told by the pretrial officer that even though this was my first offense, I would most likely be allowed 12 hours with my baby when he was born and would be shackled, due to the length of my sentence, during the birth. Thank God that I had a Case Mngr. that fought tooth and nail for me and I was entered into the MINT Program. (Mothers and Infants Together). As I researched this program and the Justice system, I realized that I was one of the first Female Inmates with a sentence over 10 years to be accepted into this program. As soon as I gave birth and got to spend 3 months with my son, take him home to be placed, self reported (again) to the Federal Facility, my sentence was reduced to 5 years thanks to a co-defendent. What if I had been catoragized as the ‘MONSTER’, ‘BAD PERSON’ etc… society is so convinced we are? I would not have had the results with my beautiful son that I had. He is much better today at 10, I truly believe, because he got that binding time with me.
Now, let me tell you what one piece of hope can do for a person who has ultimately lost all hope. In the 5 years that I did not see him, my ultimate goal was to better his life than the way it began. I earned 2 business degrees while incarcerated, 48 self help certificates and awards, self worth that I had never had, and went through pretrial, 5 years in prison, 3 years parole worked 3 jobs after my release and rode the City Transit system to all 3 jobs, never late, met all meeting requirements-never late and all throughout this process I never recieved a negative mark on my record. I vowed that it I got a second chance and a little hope I would never let him feel the pain I felt for the way I brought him into this world.
Today, 5 years after my release, I’m close to a six figure income and have full custody of a well adjusted son. He is 10 now.
All women and men in prison aren’t what society has envisioned. A conspiracy charge is the charge they don’t have to prove, although, in my case, I wasn’t innocent in that my lifestyle was not one of a good contributing member of society. I was messed up, addicted and was being swallowed up by a lifestyle that I truly didn’t know how to get away from. But, I was raised in a good and nurturing home and once I had the skills to adjust and love life without the drugs again, my true self came out and I earned enough college credits for 2 associates degress and became a certified parallegal while incarcerated and now earn just under a 6 figure income and that is due to being comfortable with placing him comfortably and bonding with my son, so that I could get ME better so that HE could be better in life. Going to prison was the 2nd chance I needed to get back on track.
So, please, before anyone puts all inmates who are pregnant in prison, ask yourself one question? How would you want it to be for your daughter if by some crazy chance it happened to them? That’s the question my dad asked himself when he was hit with the fact that his only daughter was going to prison-pregnant with his grandchild! Think about what hope and prayer could do for them!

I want my tax dollars to go for programs that I have experienced myself that I know work…it’s obvious that the old ‘Lock ’em up and maybe we won’t see them’ mentality isn’t quite making the numbers in the right direction…